How to thrive as a highly-sensitive person
Today, I’ll be talking about a discovery I recently made about myself: I’m a highly sensitive person.
This discovery was based on research and findings from the work of Dr. Elaine Aron, who has written several studies and books on high sensitivity, including The Highly Sensitive Person, and researches sensitivity using functional MRI scans. After taking her self-test, and reading her book, I realized that I fall into this camp of highly sensitive people (in the future, referred to as HSP!). The reflection had me thinking back on a few moments both in my childhood growing up, as well as in my career that highlight this finding in the wild.
For instance, growing up I remember my mom telling me all the time: “Your sister was a perfect angel as a baby. But you! When you came along, I knew we were done having kids.” It seems that I was a particular brand of hell-on-earth monster child™ when my parents would try to take me to a restaurant. Apparently I did not like restaurants — the loud noises, the poorly-dressed people, the smell of foods I couldn’t actually chew — who knows? But, I would scream.
Fast forward to grade school and I can remember quite vividly an exchange with a friend who reminded me that the first time she tried to talk to me in our third-grade class, I “shushed” her. I shushed her.
Later in my twenties, a similar conversation came up with a couple women who are now some of my closest friends. They reminded me that the first time they asked me to lunch, smiling and popping by my cubicle while I hunched over my keyboard, I flat out declined. Not even a, “maybe next time!”
In fact, if you ask probably most of my now close friends, I’m willing to bet most would say they thought me to be a bit of a….how should I say? *Searches brain for PG-13 term* Stand-offish jerk? When they first tried to initiate conversation.
One of the classic tell-tale signs of an HSP is shyness, or tendency to hang out in their head a lot. For me, this often translated to an inability to shift seamlessly from work mode to socializing. I have to prepare and brace myself a bit if I’m going to be in that type of situation.
It’s not that I don’t like people. I think people are very interesting. I just can’t take too much at the same time, while I’m trying to concentrate on other work.
It also likely explains why, after a couple years of teaching yoga, I realized that having 1–1 conversations with new students when they’d come to class made a huge difference in the energy of the space. This face-time and connection helped throttle the “social processing” and put me at ease. This in turn, I think, put students at ease. When you’re an HSP, processing the various moods and emotions of 20 students that enter a classroom can be pretty overwhelming. Frankly, none of this made much sense to me until recently.
Other than sensitivity to moods, which by the way are 💯 scientifically proven to be contagious, some of the boxes that I ticked off on the list:
I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things. (Is not everyone like this?)
Changes in my life shake me up. (V true.)
I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by. (This made adjusting to driving a pretty intense transition. So many new sensory outputs, and my nervous system was completely whacked for the first couple months after I moved to a driving-focused city.)
Of course, there’s a bit of a social stigma around being too sensitive. And it’s also kind of gendered at times. For instance, I probably wouldn’t want to be known as “a sensitive woman” in the workplace, for fear that people would assume I couldn’t take feedback well. But in a romantic dating setting, the idea of finding a “sensitive man” is a dream for many straight ladies. It goes to show that even the word sensitive has such layered and nuanced meaning, that it really requires more unpacking before drawing sweeping generalizations.
But overall? I rather enjoy being an HSP…even though I didn’t even know I was one until not so long ago.
For one thing, it’s helped me find a lot more ease on my solo travels, because I feel much more in tune with the space around me — and comforted that I will know if something is “off”. (I wrote about this recently for National Geographic.)
Also, I think it’s kind of cool that I’ve been brought to tears from a song, or a play or performance. This makes me feel like more of a human. It makes me feel even more deeply inspired to create, as well.
And it hasn’t prevented me from creating long-lasting relationships, even if the start of them can be a little…one-sided. True to my Taurus self, once I warm up to people, I’m pretty-much ride-or-die.
Are you an HSP?
Take the test (from Elaine Aron)! Obviously, this should not it be used in any sort of diagnostic manner but could help point you in the direction.
Advice for navigating high-sensitivity
If you are an HSP, a few things that I would suggest that have helped me over the years (again, even though I didn’t realize ’til recently why I was this way):
Don’t skip “me time.” Even if you aren’t a classic introvert, you probably still need a good slice of your day that you need to be entirely alone. Make sure you honor that. And on that note…
Honor your routines. Particularly your evening routine. (Have you seen my guide to creating a soothing evening routine?)
Choose more calming activities. You don’t have to choose between being alone vs. being with other people. For instance, have you ever just sat and read a book together while on a date? Did this for the first time recently. Revolutionary. 10/10 would recommend.
Honor your sensitivity triggers. Remind yourself that “triggers” aren’t weaknesses, they are strengths. You just have to know how to use them.
Set a boundary, and frame it in the affirmative. Be aware of how you frame it up and make sure you don’t trash on yourself in the process. You don’t have to apologize or explain. Be confident and try specific boundary-focused framing like, “Hi [boss], I’m making great progress on those TPS reports. Would it work for you if I went offline tomorrow from 9–12pm and focused on completing the project at home? I will plan to send to you by noon.”
To play devil’s advocate, I’ll also say that I think it’s wise to practice good ol’ aparigraha (non-attachment) and try not to cling to labels like this. There’s no reason to lean on it, and play into what we should do, but instead use it as a way to reframe situations when the world tells us we are in the wrong or we just feel plain weird. You’re not! You’re just wired that way, and it’s a wonderful thing.